Rodeo Clown

So Sunday I felt as if I needed a barrell and some face paint so I could really look the part of the rodeo clown I was playing. If you recall about 1 year ago-- the family decided to raise some baby calves- well as most babies do-- the calves have grown up-- and while still babies at heart-- they are much to big to sit on your lap and rock. (oh and they have horns). So Sunday I was just relaxing at my parents house after having lunch and was almost asleep when my phone rang-- GRR--! It was my brother Brent, he asked where I was, and if the cows were out? I don't know? I'm not home-- Well people had called and said they were out (which has happened before [people calling, not them getting out]) Ok, I'll go and look. I looked across the room and my dad was sound asleep and I hated to wake him-- Sunday is his napping day -- and I didn't want him to have to wake up and drive across town for a false alarm-- So I grabbed my things and left. On my way home-- smartly -- I called my other brother Doug-- to alert him to the possible need for his services- should the phone calls be actually a real thing.

As I drove in the driveway -- my stomach sank -- sure enough -- I'd need help-- the cows were about 1/2 mile down the road near the neighbors -- eating grass on the side of the road. They had demolished one of the panels that was holding them in (it looked as though a bomb had been detinated)

I ran in and quickly stripped out of my dress and heels and found some "cowgirl" clothes. Gotta look the part right. I figured (as my mom had suggested) that these are bottle fed calves-- and they should come to the bottle right? So I grabbed a bottle and started my stomp toward the naughty cows (I just don't know why animals get out? They have food, water, shade, and people who scratch their heads? Why leave?)

As I was storming down the road I could see the animal control cop pulling out of the neighbors yard-- great-- just what I need cops-- !!
I got near the cows and they immediately saw the bottle-- ah hah I thought-- I'm soo smart-- these cows are gonna follow me home like Little Bo Peep and her sheep! The biggest cow came up and sniffed the bottle and was interested-- he started to follow -- which in turn made the other two (smaller) cows want to follow their fearless leader-- well quickly the following became chasing-- apparently this cow-- wasn't sure if it was a steer or a bull-- and wanted to use me to test out his horns! I quickly looked around and found nothing tall to get on-- or get away from this nasty thing!! I'd shove his head harshly to the ground-- and he'd swing it right back at me--

Now mind you-- I've never desired to get in the bull ring-- but especially when I'm pregnant and had a stupid steer-- evenly lined up with my bulging tummy!! I'd turn and take the horn in the hinny -- and smash his head back to the ground-- Fear had taken over my thinking and I wanted to run-- can I out run him-- no probably not? ok-- so I backed off slowly -- hoping he'd go away and eat-- sure enough he did-- the animal control cop- while watching from the safety of his pickup-- finally got out and made some comment (some cop comment -- can't even remember it now-- but I'm sure it was dumb@!) He asked if I thought if he got behind them-- if they'd follow me home- -maybe I said-- worth a try -- I told him to watch out for that big one-- he's aggressive-- sure enough -- that was all that had to be said- the big guy -- turned his attention to the new stranger with the shiny badge!! After about 2 nudges with the nubby horns-- the cop promptly told me-- I'll wait in the truck-- Ya you do that -- don't worry about me-- I'll be fine! -- It reminded me of 2 things-- on Wild America when the guy tells him I'll wait in the helicopter while you wrestle the alligator-- and on Every Body Loves Raymond when Robert gets chased by the Bull-- Stupid cops!

By now I was mad- I got behind the cows and started clapping and swatting at them-- this moved them to the other side of the road-- and a little closer to the house-- (a little!) Finally we were moving at a pretty good pace-- I still didn't have any idea how to get them back into their mangled pen-- or how to keep them in once I got them there-- but home was better than the middle of the road- at least at home I can get away from the Big Guy-

Once pinned up against the fence-- the Big Guy -- took a few more pokes at me-- and then ran off down the other road-- good-- get out of here-- who needs you any way -- I decided to let him do his thing and I'd deal with him in a minute-- first I'd take Minni and the other one home-- I finally got them penned up against my fence-- as I waited for a semi to pass by-- the semi driver -- obviously irritated by my incompetence in herding cows-- and his slow pace finally decided teo help and blasted his horn-- moving the big guy into the yard with the other two-- Hooray -- in the yard--- By now-- I had made the ooh soo easy decision of which cow to eat first!! Big Guy-- is gonna be good!! (Just so you know-- I wasn't calling him Big Guy-- I've edited this post for my readers!) Doug showed up right about then-- and pinned in the other side of the driveway -- I told Doug watch out for the Big Guy-- he's aggressive-- no sooner had I said that-- than Big Guy started in on us again-- Doug pushed me out of the way and about got smashed into his own pickup by the nasty thing-- I'd had enough-- I went to the grain bin and found a big heavy metal stick-- I gave it a couple of Louisville Slugger Swings-- and decided it would do -- now armed and dangerous- bring it Big Guy-- The Animal Control Cop-- by this time had made his way into the driveway and was watching the circus-- (still from a safe distance and probably eating some sort of froted pastry!)

Doug opened the horse pen and with some effort and yelling-- we finally got all three cows into the horse pen (bigger opening and easier shot than their mangled fences!) Now to keep them from the horses-- still more work to do--!! Oh well-- they were off the road.

The animal control guy now feeling safe (and full) came and talked to me and Doug for a minute-- both me and Doug commenting on not signing up to be rodeo clowns! I made a point of letting the cop know that -- this is not the kind of activity I do when I'm pregnant-- and he looked over kind of sheepishly-- finally noticing the belly bump (I'm sure he thought I was just some fat redneck)!

Oh well-- at least one thing got accomplished-- we now know which one is getting eaten first! and I can say I won't feel bad about it! (at least not right now!!!:)

WHO ME?