Mr. Parker - Part 2

With my first labor and delivery (Porter) I was terrified-- Chet was only semi- conscious (that is what eating 2 Tylenol pm moments before my water breaks will do to you!!) --I did not know what to expect, or what to ask for - or anything--!! Most terrifying wonderful experiences ever! -- With Paige I had a little more confidence but still just went with the flow- and the flow is sometimes not my friend!! --
With this baby - I wanted things to go "my way" -- there were very specific things that irritated me about my other deliveries- and other things I just "wanted" -- so I started preparing early for them.

Nurses reading this- are probably shaking their head -- thinking- oh geez- she is a patient from hell-- but I try to be nice with my demands!!

Weeks before I had my sister look at my veins- determine if there were any good IV veins -- as with past two experiences my veins seem to disappear when I go into labor- and the nurses end up blowing vein after vein- till I look like a bruised up bloody mess-- and this is before a baby has been launched from my loins!

Another thing is- the tape that is used to tie all sorts of contraptions to you-- usually IV- sometimes other things!! -- but it gives me a terrible rash and rips off layers of skin!

Jodi again (what would I do without her!! ) helped me out and got me a roll of paper tape!  I cherished it- and packed it in my bag -- at the top cuz it will be the first of  my demands!

Ok- so WEdnesday morning- I'm feeling weird- jittery-- "nesty" -- I wandered around- Chet insisted I sit and relax- nope can't do it- sorry!! Gotta wiggle-- I did start to feel a little crampy- but it was nothing like my other two babies-- so I was not convinced!! -- (Porter my water broke- Paige I started into immediate hard contractions!) -- I told Chet that when the kids wake up-- we'd see what was going on- and maybe drive to town- andtake them to Jodi's and maybe take a walk-- as it was a nice day! -- he was coherent-- and ameanable to any of my suggestions (smart man!).
Kids woke up--and went about their regular morning routine-- although Paige knew something was up-- she never is grouchy in the morning- and she woke up pissy and crying!!!

Around 9:00 we decided to go to Jodi's as contractions were kind of starting! 
On the drive to Jodi's contractions started to get real- and I was sure that today was the day!!
At Jodi's the kids  immediately went about their playing with cousins- they are used to Jodi's house and comfortable there-- which makes it easy for me to leave them there!-- I had Jodi take another look at my veins-- (apparently the IV thing was heavy on my mind!)-- my arms and hands were frozen - and veins were hard to find- she did find a few-- and told me what to ask for!! -
After chatting with Jodi and Blaine for a while - we headed out!
Got to the labor and delivery around 9:30 a.m. -- I proudly announced I was 40 weeks and 1 day-- this is the longest I've ever been pregnant -- the nurses giggled-- and found me a room!
I got into the sexy hospital gown-- wow if I didn't feel like a circus animal before- putting on that drab colored tent - really set it in stone!!!
I had Chet take a picture of me-- probably the only pic of me in the hospital!! -- I wanted to document 9:45 and still smiling!
My mom showed up around 10:00 and I was glad to have her there!  I crawled into the super uncomfortable bed (like child birth isn't painful enough- lets have a bed that is made of nails and creases!) - any way they got the monitor on and said they needed to monitor for a while-- I broke the news to the nurse of my demanding ways - but instructing her (don't trained professionals like to be told how to do their job! :) -- instructing her I wanted my hands and arms wrapped in hot towels before they do my IV - and I brought my own tape-- she laughed and said I was super cute for bringing my own tape-- aah-- that's nice to compliment the circus tent!!!  I was maintaining my laughing personality and still able to make jokes-- go me!!! --
Contractions were coming pretty consistently every 2 minutes- and lasting about 1 minute-- good regular rhythm-- Chet was monitoring them on an ap on my phone-- so he had something to do-- he didn't know later he'd be the one that was doing the heavy lifting!!

The nurse that was going to be my delivery nurse showed up- her name was Kandi- she was super cute-- If you've ever watched 2 and a half Men- Alan dates a girl named Kandi- she is blonde and ditzy-- but looked exactly like nurse Kandi - except nurse Kandi had brown hair-- it kept me gigging in my head for a while thinking about that!

My hands had been tightly wrapped in hot towels for a while now- and I had awesome veins-- Kandi was able to get a vein on the first try--  hooray!!!  Go Kandi! -- Once I was hooked up to the IV - I wanted to sit up- sitting in the bed -- laying in the bed- was killing me-- Once I sat up-- I immediately felt more in control and the contractions were not as bad! --  I was a 3 when I got to the hospital-- which is normal for me (I was a three when I showed up with each of the other two deliveries!) --

We had already determined that if it went anything like the last two-- I'd have a baby right around noon-- the nurses -- did not agree- they figured around 3 or 4-- nah!! - Noon- in time for lunch- and if we hurry -- grab the kid and be out of the hospital in time to take Porter to school at12:15- hahaha (Grab the kid Larry- I've got laundry to do -- name the comedian!)

I hung out on the ball for awhile-- walked around for a while-- went to the bathroom-- and just tried to keep breathing--  at this point- I decided that the "Yoga Birth Method" was of no help to me-- I was still in control- and not freaking out-- but there was no way I was getting into yoga positions-- just holding my own ass up was all the concentration I had-- the breathing was helping- more of a distraction than anything--

Kandi came in and we asked her to check me- My contractions were pretty well on top of each other and I was trapped in a middle school dance position with Chet-- my arms around his neck-- or resting on his arms-- hanging mostly- swaying- while my mom rubbed my back-- (oh the back rubs were saving me!!!) -- I crawled on to the bed- and Kandi checked- only a 4 -- hmm- ok-- this was just before 11:30 --

Maybe I wont' make my 12:00 lunch date--

As soon as I stood up-- things changed-- I started burping-- my legs started shaking-- and contractions were harder- and harder- and no rest in between-- I was sweating- like a whore in church--!! 

Kandi came back in a little while- and we asked her to call the doctor- she called the doctor and the doctor said - no more monkeys jumping on the bed-- oh wait- wrong story!!

Doctor said- check her again - and watch her - cuz she goes fast--

At this point it was almost noon-- and the doctor was on his way-- Kandi checked me and I was at an 8 -- quick progress- hooray--

When Dr. Hall walked in -- I glanced his way -- he said-- should I break your water and end your misery -- I mumbled a half hearted yes-- my smile was gone-- he knew it was time!!

I again crawled on to the bed- he got out his trusty crochet hook- and broke my water-- a tiny drop was all -- WHAT!!!

I wanted a flood-- I wanted aliens shooting across the room -- !  a Drop-- Oh well!

At this point I didn't care-- just lets be done-- if I knew what I was asking to happen - I might have reconsidered at this point!

Dr. Hall checked said I was a 10 with a tiny lip. He said he'd come back in 10 minutes-- I protested -- I think -- might have only been in my head-- but I didn't want him leaving -- Dr. Hall looked at baby heart rate and panicked a bit-- I rolled to my left side- and Kandi put oxygen on-- I told her I felt like I needed to poop-- Now I'd read a bunch of birthing books and stayed at a HOliday INn Express -- the night before- so I was pretty much an expert at this stuff- and I knew I didn't not need to poop- but that the baby was decending and it was almost go time-- as I muttered the words poop-- I promptly said I need to push-- and as soon as those words crossed my lips and did not escape the oxygen mask-- my body took over-- it was unstoppable-- I had my eyes closed tight- still on my side- and my body was pushing for all it had- I've heard others describe the ring of fire-- Johnny Cash - was not kidding- do not walk close to it- you could fall in-- its huge!!! --  In my head I could see the ring of fire and it looked like the sun-- now looking back- I think that was the flash-- from the explosion - as I was doing the splits over a barrel of dynamite!!! -- I felt the head pop out and the body follow right behind- and kind of some snickers from the peanut gallery-- as Doctor was not as prepared -- and the baby crash landed onto the bed-- We went for distance with this delivery--  no messing around- 20 seconds after I said- I need to push- baby was flailing on the bed- and nurse Kandi was holding onto him until Doctor got his gloves on to take care of him!

They announced what sort of plumbing we had-- and I didn't hear or care at that point- I was done- done done!!!

I rolled over- and they asked if I heard what it was-- no-- a boy- oh great-- still did not care much- do you want him on your stomach- I said no-- then yes-- yes was the correct answer- as that is where he was going regardless!! -- I had asked and repeated my demands for a delayed cord clamp--  and they all followed my demands- what good servants!!!

Purple little body lay on my stomach- motionless-- not crying- just looking around-- apparently the football pass from heaven was a big surprise to him too!!!

Then as I thought the worst was over-- I was wrong-- apparently splits over dynamite barrels are not a good thing for your lady bits- and mine had seen war!!  Not rumors of war- but front line hand to hand combat!

Chet even recalls a ripping sound- as baby was launched into the world-- ooh I bet that is a sound you cannot un hear!!

So as the doctor tried to decode the jigsaw puzzle of lady parts that lay before him-- I whimpered in pain-- even with numbing lidocain-- I could feel almost every needle poke- and string - and pinch- and pull-- I didn't scream when the tiny person  was launched from my loins- but I wanted to scream and kick and pull people's hair now.  Doctor kept apologizing-- but I didn't want him to rush either- I'd like them to look like they did before I came in here!!  -- They left the baby on my stomach for this part-- I think as a decoy - and so I wouldn't try to stand up in the stirrups and demand my gun and start shooting!!! --

Part 3 to come- meeting the baby and all the fun things that happened after that!!